


Out from Inside.

by CountlessUntruths (KaliCephirot)



Category: Hikaru no Go, 闇の末裔 | Yami No Matsuei | Descendants of Darkness
Genre: AU for Hikaru no Go., Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Longing, M/M, come back and haunt me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-09
Updated: 2007-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:45:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8573533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliCephirot/pseuds/CountlessUntruths
Summary: Hisoka realized that taking care of Sai and Tsuzuki and still doing their job was going to mean the double of paperwork.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://blind-go.livejournal.com/profile)[blind_go](http://blind-go.livejournal.com/)

**Title:** Out from Inside.  
**Fandom:** Yami no Matsuei/Hikaru no Go.  
**Warnings:** AU for Hikaru no Go.  
**Characters/couples:** Hisoka, Tsuzuki. Touya Meijin/Sai.  
**Summary:** Hisoka realized that taking care of Sai and Tsuzuki and still doing their job was going to mean the double of paperwork.  
**Rating:** R/NC17.  
**Notes:** Written for [](http://blind-go.livejournal.com/profile)[**blind_go**](http://blind-go.livejournal.com/)

**Out from Inside.**

_His hand twines with his, almost tentatively, palms brushing each other before he searches for your lips, rolling them over the futon. His weight is familiar on your body even as you look at him, at the way he speaks even when he stops kissing you he starts talking again, but you don't want him to finish talking about this._  
  
_So you kiss him again, feeling him breathe against your mouth, your hands up to his waist, the yukata letting you open your legs, twine one over his hip and bring him flush against you. You both moan, he sliding his tongue into your mouth, you holding him as close to him as you dare. He begins to grow hard against your thigh._  
  
_He pushes away again, looking at you. He wants to explain, wants to talk but you don't – if this is the last time, you want to pretend it won't be. You don't want to hear reasons, you don't want to understand. Right now you want to be selfish because there won't be another chance for this, and you don't want to admit how much you'll miss it._  
  
_You arch against him, eyes closed, make a soft, breathy whisper of his name and you let himself feel you're hard too. The world is changing , the world you know about to go so different. You moan again, beg 'please' and even though you can't see him you know he is sad too, even when you feel his lips against your neck, even when his hand moves down to cup your shaft, running his thumb over the tip._  
  
_When he kisses you again, you wrap your arms around his neck and if you feel sad you ignore it. There's nothing else but this moment, the way he breathes against you and over you, the feel of his shaft brushing your own--_  
  
_You whisper against his ear, arching up, licking the strong line of his neck, teeth grazing his jaw. You feel his sigh against your skin, his lips against your shoulder even as he curls his hand – perfect, strong fingered, calluses from the stone and so careful – around you both, stroking you together._  
  
_Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me._  



"Hisoka," a gentle voice, worried, concerned. A hand over his shoulder, not quite shaking him, just offering an anchor to come back. " _Hisoka._ Come on, Hisoka. Wake up."

He opens his eyes suddenly, almost pushing Tsuzuki away, but he swallows, still breathing hard. He's flushed, he knows, and sweaty, his body vibrating with the dream. He's also half hard and that makes him flush a little more, glad that he's still sitting over the table.

Tsuzuki looks at him concerned, almost like a puppy. Only that now it has a mirror on the ghost who had ended up projecting his yearning unto him. Hisoka bites back a curse with some effort, shaking his head.

"Are you alright?" Tsuzuki asks, still looking as if he wants to touch him but apparently not knowing if it'd be welcome. Hisoka remembers the dreams and the way his body still remembers the yearning and he is very glad that Tsuzuki isn't touching him, unsure of what it'd do to him. What it'd cause. "It seemed as if you were having a nightmare."

Talk about it. Hisoka takes a deep breath and shakes his head again, doing his best not to glare to his partner nor the ghost.

 _'I tried waking you up, Kurosaki-san,'_ the ghost tells him, eyes as purple as Tsuzuki's, his expression the same. _'But you wouldn't, so I went for Tsuzuki-san.'_

"Fine," Hisoka says, throat dry and making himself look at their face or their concern will drown him. "It was just a dream."

Tsuzuki smiles, his relief washing over him like a spring whisper and then Tsuzuki shares a smile with Sai, the ghost. He also stands up, tousling his hair as he starts telling him about what he brought for breakfast, having found a store with sweet rolls just out of the oven, adding that yes, he brought him his black coffee, but is he sure he wouldn't like it with some cream and sugar? Hisoka takes the offered coffee and takes a mouthful of bitter, black coffee, almost sighing in comfort.

His body is still thrumming with the desire he had felt from Sai. It's hard not to glare at the ghost when he smiles at him and seems so grateful after what they're doing, and even if the ghost is insanely loud, Hisoka knows it's not the ghost's fault that his damn empathy caught upon that.

Besides, how are you supposed to tell a ghost to stop yearning, or to stop remembering its life? And really, there's no polite way to tell anyone, alive or not, that you'd really appreciate if he could just stop remembering the sex he had had without coming out as a vouyerist freak.

It's enough that Hisoka already feels like one, thank you. He's not about to come out and say it out loud. For not mentioning that the most jaded, sarcastic part of him likes to send a 'see? Not _all_ sex is like _that_.'

I know that, Hisoka tells that stubborn part of himself, because he does know. Theoretically. And from whispers of other people's minds. He drinks more coffee to stop his mind from going that way, focusing on the task at hand before they get in even more troubles with the Chief.

"You sure the tournament will finish today, Sai?" Tsuzuki asks, mouth half food with a roll.

 _'Oh, yes!'_ The ghost nods fervently. _'Mashiro-hachidan is going into te-ire today. It won't take Akira-kun much to go into yose after that.'_

Tsuzuki makes a thoughtful noise, as if he understood go anymore than he does – and he at least can get a bit from Sai – but Hisoka, now that he's sure that his body won't betray anything stands up, looking towards the ghost.

"And afterwards, you'll stop interfering with Touya Meijin's death?"

 _'Kouyo will be very upset to know that I did that...'_ Sai nods, not looking at either of them. _'But I will. I'll also be ready to go.'_

The weariness comes from Sai. The grief, however, is all with Tsuzuki's purple hazing, even when his partner isn't looking at Sai, making an act of eating the rolls hi bought. Hisoka doesn't sigh but he's tempted, for a moment.

 _Idiot,_ he thinks towards Tsuzuki. _You knew why we came here._

 _Yeah,_ Tsuzuki sends back. _I know._

**

It was supposed to be a simple, easy job. Touya Kouyo had suffered a heart attack and he should have died, but something was preventing his dead. They weren't sure what, was the thing, which was why he and Tsuzuki had been sent. Find whatever it was and deal with it, then bring Touya's soul to the Judgment Bureau.

And then, they had met Sai, a ghost who, by his own admission, was stopping Touya from dying. Sai had been Touya's friend when he had been alive; he had killed himself when he had been a few years short of thirty and since then he had stayed to take care of his friend

"But he will die anyway, Sai-san," Tsuzuki had said, already grieving and suffering through it. Sometimes it seemed as if Tsuzuki had empathy, to be able to feel so much for these people, his own guilt at causing this pain surrounding everything. "And you should come with us, too. We can call an onmyouji, if you want, but it'd be easier if you just come with us. Don't you want to rest already?"

 _'It's not that,'_ Sai had said. _'I know that... I realize that I'll have to pay for killing myself and for staying here, and I'm...'_

He didn't finish the lie. Hisoka had felt his fear at the thought that he was going to have to pay for that and something else but before he could ponder about that, the ghost had shaken his head, looking at them, determined.

 _'There is a tournament his son is going to be part of,'_ Sai said, and with his determination to convince him Hisoka could feel his desperation, year upon year upon decades of it, rolling almost in waves. He had had to breathe slowly, relaxing his hands to try and stop that desperation from soaking into him. It would have been so easy easy to lose himself to a ghost, to the thing that had made him stay chained. Especially when he could almost taste the thoughts of the ghost, how hard he wanted to convince them, how hard Tsuzuki was feeling for this phantom. _'You have no idea how important it is for them both.'_

Before Tsuzuki could say a thing, Hisoka shrugged. "It isn't our job."

"Hisoka!"

Sai shook his head. _'I realize that, but Kouyo wants so badly to see this game... and if he dies before the game, it will affect Akira-kun's game. It isn't just me the one that causes this. Kouyo isn't afraid of dying. He just doesn't want to disappoint his son.'_ Then he had bowed, forehead to the floor. _'Please!'_

As if that wasn't enough, Tsuzuki had turned big, wounded eyes on him, his whole face asking what wrong could it be if they took a little longer than expected to go back with the soul. Besides, surely Tatsumi and the Chief would understand and be glad when they returned with two souls rather than just one.

Some days, Hisoka realized he probably spent too much time with Tsuzuki if even without his empathy he could understand him so much. Even so, it was still hard to keep face with the mix of Sai's desperation for them to agree and Tsuzuki pretty much begging. Hisoka sighed. It was going to mean the double of paperwork, for not mentioning another talk to the Chief.

Perhaps if Tsuzuki managed not to destroy anything...

"How long?" He had asked, trying not to feel relief by the hope coming from both idiots in front of him, crossing his arms and looking away.

Being with Tsuzuki, he had realized a long time ago, was almost contagious.

**

Hisoka has never done well in large crowds, too many feelings and thoughts pushing against him, making him feel almost claustrophobic as he tries to keep straight his annoyance, fear and anger rather than the exuberance of the people surrounding him. Tsuzuki's feelings, however, are big and loud enough to almost belong to ten or twenty people, happy and childlike, bouncing from here to there, wanting to be in five places at the same time, making Hisoka tired just from looking at him, never mind feeling him.

It's twenty or thirty times _worse_ with Sai here, bright eyed and enthusiast while he and Tsuzuki talk about food and candies they like (liked in the ghost's case, but he's barely paying attention for him to feel more than just a twinge here and there) and with Sai almost giddy as he explains about go, about who he was before he died, about Touya Akira's and Touya Koyo's achievements in the world of go. He walks three or four steps behind them even though they are invisible, just to try and stop the headache that's coming, even if he's more or less sure that, at this point, he'd have an easier time stopping a tidal wave sans ofuda nor shikigami.

And still, there's something that doesn't quite fit with the way Sai sometimes feel when talking about Touya Meijin. The sadness he can get, even if it's confusing that most of that sadness isn't for himself. What confuses him is the fact that Sai feels guilty, too, and there's little to no anger or feelings for himself, almost nothing of what should have kept him here.

What little it is, it's mostly about go. _I just wanted to play more go,_ Sai's feelings tell him almost in words, yearning as thick as the ghost feels for the Meijin. _I just wanted another game..._

_with you._

Hisoka shakes his head and frowns. Sai has guided them towards a small room with a TV, the camera focused over the goban, and for the first time since they arrived and Sai begged them to spare Touya Meijin's life for another week, Hisoka takes a look of the lines of Touya's face, the serious eyes, the strong hands. Touya Koyo feels like a mountain, calm and certain, and it's somewhat a surprise to realize that Sai was telling the truth and that the Meijin has made his peace and he is ready to go.

_I wanted. I wanted. I wanted._

What Hisoka knows about go is little, even if he does his best to pay attention, trying to match what he read in the last week into what he sees. It's easier, in the end, to tune in with the Meijin's feelings as he sees his son play, try to catch bits of his memories to understand the way Black is playing upon the board. Tsuzuki is shifting around, not saying anything once Sai had shushed him but still uncomfortable. Bored.

But why, Hisoka thinks. If there's so much to see in the board, how magnificent is the battle that Akira-kun is leading, the way he's fighting certain and so beautiful, it's a stroke of genius the way he has planned ahead and (that isn't his, Hisoka realizes, there's no way he could get that from a game of stones) there's a little of him there, right?

You taught him how to play with my hands, too.

_I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.  
_

You whisper against his ear, arching up, licking the strong line of his neck, teeth grazing his jaw. You feel his sigh against your skin, his lips against your shoulder even as he curls his hand – perfect, strong fingered, calluses from the stone and so careful – around you both, stroking you together.  
  
Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 


__

Hisoka sucks a deep breath and Tsuzuki looks at him, concern directing towards him. Hisoka ignores him as he tries to untangle his feelings from – he can't even tell, at first, what yearning belongs to who because, he realizes, Touya Meijin is reaching towards Sai, the same way Sai is reaching towards him. They don't connect, they're not empaths to feel it, but it's there.

He glances towards the ghost, who for the first time since they met him is quiet, eyes on the screen. If he had a body, Hisoka would say he was trembling with suppressed feelings, the wanting strong as a kick to the gut, so much wanting: for the go, for the Meijin, for himself. Sai wanted to be alive, wanted to play another game of go and another and another even if he had spent years without doing so, only playing them in his mind, had wanted his rival to stay there.

The Meijin's feelings run parallel to Sai's, hard to tell them apart, yearning for past games and at the same time so proud for his son, but still sad because Akira reminds him of him and if he could

_Kiss him, play with him one last time..._

_... one last game because we didn't finish last time, it's all I want because..._

_... I never got to play him again and we didn't finish that game and I wanted..._

_... to keep on playing, always playing, and I wanted him in my life..._

_... and I'm sorry that we couldn't, how things go and..._

"Hisoka?" He takes another deep breath, leaning against Tsuzuki's touch, his anchor. Tsuzuki feels worried and concerned but he's there, physical and feeling stronger than anyone else he knows but it's not scary on Tsuzuki, because he knows him. "Hey, what's wrong?"

He shakes his head and opens his eyes. Sai still hasn't noticed them, still looking towards the screen. Hisoka flickers his eyes there, too, and by the way the feelings are humming, the game it's about to finish.

"It's nothing," he tells Tsuzuki, standing up again.

**

Touya-Meijin can't stay for the celebration one of his former students wants to have for his son after he wins. He shares a few brief for heartfelt words with his son, who lits up at his father's compliments in a quiet way, bowing his head and thanking him profusely for his help. When asked if he should go with him, the Meijin tells him that he should enjoy himself, going back with his wife towards their house.

They follow silently, Sai excited again, explaining everything about the game they had seen, every little question Tsuzuki has, so cheerful that Hisoka thinks he almost masks up the fear. He is happy, Hisoka realizes, but he is also afraid of the fact that they might meet.

Finally, he stops in front of Sai before he can show them were the Meijin sleeps, arms crossed. Sai blinks, the same with Tsuzuki.

_'Kurosaki-san?'_

"Hisoka?"

"There's more you're not telling us," Hisoka says. Tsuzuki blinks but Sai just seems to wince, looking down. "Your death. Why did you kill yourself?"

_'Is it important?'_

Hisoka doesn't turn to look towards his partner because he knows that Tsuzuki is going to be looking at him with a hurt expression, because in short of a week Sai has become his friend, and he can already feel him grieving for that.

Instead he nods, once.

"It's what's been keeping you here. "

Sai winces again, waiting a few moments and nods, looks down towards Touya's sleeping form before he sighs.

_'We... we were rivals. For a long time, and friends. But we also... well. I fell in love with him And we were...'_

How could the ghost feel embarrassment? Hisoka decided that it was probably a mix of his and Tsuzuki's, too. Sai trailed of and shook his head, twiddling with the sleeves of his kimono.

_'... he went into an Omiai with the daughter of his old teacher, and he told me he was going to marry her, that he wanted a family, and I was upset but we still were going to be playing Go and that was... if we had Go, then it was more than what he could have with any woman.'_

That was true for the most part, but Hisoka wondered how it was possible that being heartbroken could last for so long. It was a weird mix, because he could feel that even when he was still alive, Sai had clung to that knowledge. It hadn't stopped his pain, though, and he had felt betrayed, even when he had tried hard not to.

_'A few weeks after that, I was accused of cheating during a game. The person I was playing against was cheating but before I could call him on that, he said I had been the one to do so. No one else saw this and the game was postponed, but because of the circumstances everyone thought it had been me. I... I thought I probably wouldn't be able to play Go again, with this, and without go then my last link to Koyo was lost.'_

He can feel his anger at this, and fear. All I wanted, Sai feels. His go. His rival. All gone. Fear, pain, loneliness, shame, so much shame, indignation at being called a cheater, at his reputation gone, just like that. _All I wanted._

"You haunted him, didn't you?" Tsuzuki asks, voice serious. Hisoka looks at him. Tsuzuki looks sad and hurting again, the big dumb idiot. Hisoka sighs. "After you killed yourself."

_'... I wanted to keep playing go, but I wasn't going to be able to,' Sai whispers, almost crying. 'I had lost everything that mattered, and it...'_

"You got angry," Hisoka adds. "So you got chained. To him."

 _'I didn't get to say goodbye,'_ Sai murmurs, his voice low enough that it's probably not meant for them to hear them.

"Oh, Sai," Tsuzuki shakes his head. "What did you do?"

 _'Nothing, not really... but bad things happened. There... there was a fire, and she was sick for a while, but I... thought that he should suffer too. He still could play and he still had go and... we didn't finish a game, before I died, and sometimes Kouyo puts the stones and then he stares at them for hours and hours and I was right there and I couldn't play! Until,'_ The anger that Sai had felt, vicious and cold, melts away. He lights up, a soft smile upon his face. _'Akira-kun was born. Kouyo was so happy and so proud and I couldn't... be angry anymore.'_

"You stopped haunting him, then," and Tsuzuki is still hurting, and touched by Sai's story.

Sai nods after a few moments, but then he remembers to be embarrassed, looking down.

_'I knew I had to move on but...'_

"You would have missed him," Tsuzuki finishes. Hisoka looks at his smile, feels his concern. "So you thought you'd wait until he has to go, too."

 _'I just want to apologize,'_ Sai asks, eyes wide and begging. _'And to say goodbye. Please!'_

Hisoka takes a deep breath, cursing a little, because he knows Tsuzuki and this still isn't their job, but they're still going to do it, and they'll still get a lecture when they go back to Meifu. He sighs.

"You want to finish your game, right?" That gets him their attention. Hope feels almost hurtful from Sai, and Tsuzuki is a mix of concern and love and tenderness , already half guessing what he's going to do. Hisoka huffs. "And you, shut up."

"Yes, sir," stupid Tsuzuki and his damn smile.

**

When the Meijin opens his eyes, the room is candlelit but silent, the shield that Tsuzuki had casted around making it so that no sound will come out from it. Inside him, Sai is almost trembling and Hisoka wants to tell him to stop it, that it's hard enough to be allowing a ghost to use his body for it to be so bouncy, but he can't quite care.

"Who are you, boy?" Touya asks, pushing himself slowly to sit up.

 _Don't answer,_ he catches Sai thinking. _Let him realizes who you are._

So instead of answering, hope and fear and love and anxiety running over Hisoka's body so hard that he almost feels sick, he reaches into the goke and places the last stone of the game they played.

Koyo's eyes go to the goban and he stares at it and then at him, again. Sai could probably feel that, Hisoka realizes. With the link he's allowing him, he can probably feel the same hope and yearning. Koyo's hand almost trembles as he reaches into his own goke, moving to sit seiza, placing another stone.

It's a concert of questions, after that, of fulfillment; of I-missed-you and I-needed-you. Hisoka would like to understand more of go than the simple glimpses he gets of Sai and Koyo, because he knows that Koyo has realized that he is Sai – a little confused, he's thinking about reincarnations or a dream but he doesn't care what it is because he's been wanting this for decades and he never dared to hope it'd actually happen – and Sai is marveling at his strength. He has followed him and his go for decades with no other way to play than with his own mind, and Hisoka is sure that the tightness in his chest is because of Sai, but it's still there. He reaches a little of his conscience towards Tsuzuki, and his partner is warm and so proud at him, so proud of being his partner that even when he tries to feel annoyed, Hisoka knows he can't. Instead, he closes his eyes and his will as much as he can, because this should be private, this need they've been feeling for so long.

_I wanted, I wanted..._

_you. I wanted this._

_I'm..._

"One moku and a half," Koyo sighs and smiles as if his absolution had come. "You win. Again."

 _'Thank you for the game,'_ he hears Sai say, choked up. Hisoka blinks, because he should have felt that, but instead he just looks on and Sai is crying now, even if he is also smiling. Koyo isn't looking at him. Tsuzuki is holding him and Hisoka sits down slowly, still within his partner's arms.

Kouyo and Sai sit in front of each other, the goban between them. Tsuzuki has put the Meijin's body back inside the futon, and his face looks so peaceful now. The two of them are talking worlds in their silence, and then Koyo stands up, offers his hand towards Sai, who takes it as he stand up. They don't let go.

"I was hoping," Touya-san adds, warmly, so very warmly. "That you'd be the one to come for me."

Sai doesn't answer, emotions too intense for him. He and Tsuzuki look away as Koyo hugs his friend, Hisoka trying not to feel into their feelings as much as he can when they have wanted this for so much time. Tsuzuki's arm remains warm around his waist, but Hisoka realizes that Tsuzuki is ready to let go as soon as he pushes him away, which... he doesn't want to. Not yet.

_I wanted, I wanted._

Hisoka takes a deep breath before he leans against Tsuzuki again, if only for a moment, moving a hand to his chest, enjoying Tsuzuki's scent and warmth, his strength, his love.

"Hisoka?"

"Shut up," he murmurs, feeling the way Tsuzuki chuckles deep in his throat, his laugh rumbling deep in his chest.

It's only a moment before he moves to stand up, too, glancing towards the two spirits. There's Tsuzuki's grief again, but it's not as much as other times. Perhaps it has something to do with the way Sai is beaming, at the peaceful look upon the former Meijin's face, who just nods.

"We are ready to go," Sai says with a beaming, completely honest smile. 


End file.
